Peeking Out of My Shell

Okay, yesterday I took my dog to the dog park so she run around off-leash. There was a guy there with this dog. At first he was talking on his cell phone so I just played with my Darcy. Then he got off his phone and his dog and mine started playing together. And we talked about our dogs... and that was it. When I suddenly realized that maybe I could talk to him about more than just our dogs I clammed up. Now I didn't want to hit on him or get his number or anything like that. But at least I could have introduced myself and found out something about him.

I confess I haven't really dated or done much socializing, especially with the opposite sex. I can name a hundred reasons and say that 99% are complete bullshit. In reality I'm a tongue-tied, severely-shy social klutz who can't seem to get the hang of most social, human-interactive situations.

The first problem for me is severe shyness. It's a problem I was born with and will likely take to my grave. It's my trouble with being nervous around people, which manifests itself in an inability to make eye contact and stumble over words and what to say and how to say it. For me shyness is a fear of someone not liking me and getting mad at me or teasing me or calling me a complete putz who shouldn't come outside and play at all. And yes I did have some not-so-good childhood experiences that were like this but not in the last few years.

Second problem I have is that in my mind I'm thinking at a hundred miles an hour about what I'm saying or going to say or what I should say and how I should say it and what do I do if someone says this or that... Yeah, you get the picture: I over-analyze. And of course over-analyzing leads to verbal paralysis for me and yesterday happens again and again. I think most people do not do anywhere near the amount of analysis that I do in my head but if I can just get my brain to calm down then maybe I won't suffer the verbal paralysis.

So all the above adds up to me being unable to engage in casual friendly conversation with the opposite sex commonly called flirting. I would love to be able to just relax and engage in a simple conversation with just the goal being to have a simple conversation and not put any pressure on myself. This is really bad with men because I'm so tongue-tied when any guy shows even the slightest interest in me. I guess I'm afraid they'll think I'm a klutz and just not worth the effort. Also, I'm afraid of attracting the wrong kind of guy (the needy or selfish asshole). I honestly don't think I'd settle for an asshole-guy but I know that was a fear I had years ago when the only guys who showed any interest in me had issues with their issues.

Like I've said before Darcy has drawn me out of my shell but right now I think it's just my head poking out a little.

Why I Love My Dog- and Why I'm Willing To Fight For Her

I honestly didn't know how much my life would change when I got my dog Darcy because it's still changing every day.

It's said that dogs love unconditionally. They do, especially my Darcy. Even when I'm mad and frustrated with her she still loves me. I'm trying to learn every day how to keep my cool and not get frustrated when she barks at every noise outside and still jumps on me from time to time. I know that I need to be her teacher and when I do teach she soaks it up like a sponge (tonight we were doing a training bit where I have her jump on and off the bed and when she's on the bed I had her go into a 'down', except that after about the third jump she just went into the 'down' without my telling her. I called her a little stinker and gave her an extra treat and hug).

And yes, she's always happy to see me when I get home and also if I just need a cuddle or a hug she's always there. And when I wake up in the middle of the night after having a bad dream, which does happen at least once a week or so, she'll come up on the bed and cuddle with me. That has meant a lot for me because it's a terrible feeling to wake up in the dead of the night all alone (which I did for too many years). And it is one of the main reasons I won't give up on Darcy and continue to work through her behavior issues.

She's not a 'bad' dog and I'm not that 'bad' of a human. Yes, I've made a truck-load of mistakes with her but many other dog owners are far from perfect. Sadly, a lot of them give up on their dogs and all I'm asking for is an opportunity to learn. Because another reason I love Darcy is that she's forced me out of my shell and continues to do every day. Because I've stood by my dog I'm learning to become more assertive and to fight for what I believe in. In January I could have just given up Darcy and crawled back into my shell. Instead with the help of my incredibly wonderful roommate I held onto my Darcy. Because if I had gotten rid of Darcy I would have been haunted and guilt-ridden for the rest of my life. It's still something I fear greatly but I cling to my determination to stay the course and be the human-mom I need to be for her.

No Such Thing As a Bad Dog

This is a good article that is oh-so-true about dogs: http://www.petside.com/article/bad-dog-myth

Two months ago I thought I was the worst dog owner in the world but now I realize I was just weak-willed and uninformed. My intentions were always good and I would have never given up on my Darcy. It must be nuts for trainers to see owners who won't do their share and I can't begin to imagine what the shelter and rescue group people must do to keep their mouths shut when they take these poor dogs in. With my two trainers I have given them my undivided attention and listened closely, especially with my second trainer now. My second trainer has the patience of a saint and is incredibly informative and encouraging. In the last month since I've had Darcy in private lessons I've learned so much and feel so much better as a dog owner. And Darcy's behavior has improved greatly and a lot of people have begun to notice.

I don't like to judge people but when I got my Darcy I was under the now-ridiculous impression that all dog owners knew what they were doing. Sadly there are those that don't. I don't like the ones who leave their dogs outside all alone to get bored and lonely so they bark at everything or just sit there all lifeless and sad. I see this in the apartment complex I live in- there's this one puppy Darcy and I see almost every evening and I just have to be nice when in reality I just want to take the dog in and love on him. Second, there's this lady who lets her dog outside without a leash and he wanders all over the place before coming back to her. In an apartment complex you don't let your dog off leash becuase of the cars that race through the place and also there is a rule that dogs have to be on leash outside at all times. Then this evening we met a 4-month old boxer mix whose owner seems to be more than a little frustrated. She had her kid with her so I didn't come down too hard because I didn't want to upset the kid. But in reality I really wanted to tell her to get the bug out of her ass, let the dog sniff and explore, and not to use any harsh or corporal punishment with the dog. With a dog that young you want to let them burn off their energy and play with them before trying to teach commands. I just encouraged her to get the dog into training and maybe go to a pinch collar since the harness didn't seem to be working too well.

Like I said I'm far from perfect but there are teachable moments all the time. But even I get frustrated as like tonight- I'm trying to teach Darcy to wait before coming inside but it's a hard command to learn because she just wants to get inside and play with the other dog. I got frustrated and just gave in before remembering that my trainer said that if I get frustrated or my dog just isn't cooperating to stop and take a break. So I just let Darcy inside and took a break. Later I went back to work with her in my room on the 'wait' command to help get it into our repatoire.

In the article the trainer mentioned a lack of exercise for dogs. That's a huge problem for a lot of dogs, especially high-energy breeds. I used to walk Darcy just once a day but when I added a second walk in the morning that started to calm her down, too. In addition now I'm working with her inside for five to ten minutes a pop on basic commands and teaching new ones. She's smart and stubborn yes but more than willing to learn. And before we met the boxer-mix we had the tennis court to ourselves and it was a great opportunity to work with her outside where there are lots of distractions. I wish it was free every night but when it is free we're there.

Now Darcy's all chilled out after her bath (she gets the itchies and I use a medicated shampoo for her). Amazingly she likes baths though the shampoo I use for her is actually a calming one it seems. And when her fur starts to dry it's a little crimped like an 80's girl at the mall. (I tried to get a picture but it didn't come out too well.)

Writing Project - Darcy's Story

Right now I'm working on a non-fiction book I've tentatively titled 'Darcy's Story'. Two months ago I had to muzzle my Darcy when she's outside at the apartment complex I live in because she'd snapped her leash and went after another dog. That day ranks in the top-ten worst days of my life because I seriously thought I would have to give her up. I thought I was the absolute worst dog owner in the world for letting Darcy's aggressive behavior get out of control. I felt like a complete dumb-head because I hadn't trained my dog right. Thank God stubborn pride kicked in along with my roommate talking me down out of that tree because I dug my heels in and have been working with Darcy ever since.

The book is my way of sharing my story because I read somewhere (I still can't find the exact article) that over fifty percent of dogs are turned in to shelters and rescue groups due to behavior issues. The thing is, behavior issues are solvable problems. They involve a lot of training, constant work, and dedication to the end goal of having a well-behaved dog. My training with Darcy consists of reinforcing positive behaviors and correcting negative behaviors. It also involves lots of repetition, and lots of treats. But the result is a dog who is getting better at obeying every day and who gives me hope that she'll be the dog I know she is meant to be and that I can learn how to be a good and responsible dog owner.

Like right now for instance- she's sitting under my desk looking outside. She growls and barks at people and dogs and cats outside and I'm getting her not to. It's not just a loud 'no' but the better command of 'look at me'. Of course I have a treat in my hand but that's her incentive. Eventually she'll learn that she doesn't need to bark and alert me (especially in the middle of the night).

This is the kind of thing want to include in this book. Earlier I was working on the introduction and I'm sure a lot of it is going into the garbage as there's a lot of bitchiness to it right now. But this is just free writing until I get my traction and figure out exactly what I want to write and the tone I want for this book. I have a rough outline of the chapters and some bits and pieces of those.

So the goal this week is to get the introduction in some semblance of order and to edit out some of the bitchiness.

How It All Began, or I Was Just Thinking About Getting a Dog

It all started with a phone call on a cold and rainy day in January 2012:

My friend and now-roommate: You remember how you said you were thinking about getting a dog?

Me: Uh, yeah.

Roommate: Do you want a dog?

Me: Uh, what?

It turns out my roommate had found two dogs abandoned on the side of the road out in the middle of nowhere (my roommate was doing home-health at the time and had a patient out that way). My roommate had managed to get the dogs in her van and was on her way back into town with them. After a few more 'uh's' from me I told her to bring the dogs by and we'd brainstorm as to what to do with them.

Well, when she called me to tell me she was in front of my apartment I went outside to see the dogs. And as soon as I saw them I told her she could have warned me. They were beyond cute.

This is the first picture I took:

Darcy is the one on the left. We think the two dogs were siblings as they were about the same size. After much discussion I decided to take Darcy in as her brother was more high-energy than she was. We found a nice family to take him in a couple of days later and Darcy and I were off to the races. I had two weeks solid with her as I was in between jobs and I just want to say I had no idea what to do with her. I'd grown up with cats and had never owned a dog in my life.

And I just want to say I've probably made every mistake in the book with her at one time or another but I'm learning. Right now we're in private training and it's going very well. Each week I get a one-on-one with a trainer so I can tell her what's going on and what I'm doing and in turn get direction. It's been a huge help for me as Darcy has developed some aggression issues mainly relating to establishing territory and being over-protective of me.

She's a collie-Australian Sheppard mix though I'm not entirely certain of that as she is a rescue. Those two breeds are high-energy yet highly-intelligent. Darcy has huge potential and she gets better the more I do the right things with her. She's very sweet and loving and I just want her to be able to focus her energy and intelligence on good behavior.

Darcy's taught me not to give up on her (the day I had to put a muzzle on her was one of the worst of my life, but that's another story for another time) and not to give up on myself. I've never thought of myself as an Alpha personality but with Darcy I'm slowly learning how to be.

Now, my original intent back in January of 2012 was to go to the shelter and liberate some older small dog that would be good for apartment living. Instead I got a 55-pound high-energy dog who would probably do better with a house in the country or with an owner who can take her jogging. Instead, she's got an apartment in the city and an owner who's never going to take up jogging. But she loves me and I love her and together we're making it work.

Sleepy Darcy - not something she does too often