Changing Hairstyles, and More

Yes, I'm slowly going to change my hairstyle. Now that I don't have so much face (yes, I've lost weight there, too) I realize that I need a new hairstyle. I've kept it very short for so long because I just wanted nothing to do with my hair (had long and wavy years ago but it was a major pain in the butt to take care of). But I also realize that I did not want to draw attention to myself either so I kept it very short and no-maintanence. At first it was a popular hairstyle but now it's giving people an impression I don't quite want them to have.

A confession here: I've never been entirely comfortable with attention on me. It's a major thing for me to stand in front of someone and not babble and look at the ground like a moron. Such is the mindset of a shy person but for me someone noticing the way I look is something I'm going to have to get used to. But the question I had to ask myself over the weekend was this: do I want to attract attention to myself physically?

The answer is yes, but in my own slow-going way. So the first step is letting my hair grow out (thinking about letting it go all one length then getting it curled but I still haven't made the final decision there). Second, I've begun to consider maybe wearing some makeup. I've avoided makeup for years because of my seriously-oily skin that made makeup very uncomfortable. I still have oily skin though nowhere near the level it was years ago. I'm thinking about some nice lipstick or gloss, mascara, eyebrow pencil, and maybe a light foundation and blush if I can find products that don't flake out in two hours (I'm hoping makeup has improved in the last ten years). And third is slowly getting rid of all my baggy clothes. As a heavy-set woman I've worn the requisite not-form-fitting shirts and pants because I had too much of me. Now that I don't have so much of me I'm starting to wear stuff that's not so baggy.

The next question I have is this: will changing my appearence change me? It may get me more attention that I will have to deal with. That attention in turn is going to force me out of my shell more. I am intent on getting out of my shell but trust me, it isn't easy. Now I don't think I'm trying to be a pig with lipstick but when I reach the point where I'm out of the plus-size section of the store for good I honestly don't know what I'll do with myself.

Good thing that's a ways off. :)

Peeking Out of My Shell

Okay, yesterday I took my dog to the dog park so she run around off-leash. There was a guy there with this dog. At first he was talking on his cell phone so I just played with my Darcy. Then he got off his phone and his dog and mine started playing together. And we talked about our dogs... and that was it. When I suddenly realized that maybe I could talk to him about more than just our dogs I clammed up. Now I didn't want to hit on him or get his number or anything like that. But at least I could have introduced myself and found out something about him.

I confess I haven't really dated or done much socializing, especially with the opposite sex. I can name a hundred reasons and say that 99% are complete bullshit. In reality I'm a tongue-tied, severely-shy social klutz who can't seem to get the hang of most social, human-interactive situations.

The first problem for me is severe shyness. It's a problem I was born with and will likely take to my grave. It's my trouble with being nervous around people, which manifests itself in an inability to make eye contact and stumble over words and what to say and how to say it. For me shyness is a fear of someone not liking me and getting mad at me or teasing me or calling me a complete putz who shouldn't come outside and play at all. And yes I did have some not-so-good childhood experiences that were like this but not in the last few years.

Second problem I have is that in my mind I'm thinking at a hundred miles an hour about what I'm saying or going to say or what I should say and how I should say it and what do I do if someone says this or that... Yeah, you get the picture: I over-analyze. And of course over-analyzing leads to verbal paralysis for me and yesterday happens again and again. I think most people do not do anywhere near the amount of analysis that I do in my head but if I can just get my brain to calm down then maybe I won't suffer the verbal paralysis.

So all the above adds up to me being unable to engage in casual friendly conversation with the opposite sex commonly called flirting. I would love to be able to just relax and engage in a simple conversation with just the goal being to have a simple conversation and not put any pressure on myself. This is really bad with men because I'm so tongue-tied when any guy shows even the slightest interest in me. I guess I'm afraid they'll think I'm a klutz and just not worth the effort. Also, I'm afraid of attracting the wrong kind of guy (the needy or selfish asshole). I honestly don't think I'd settle for an asshole-guy but I know that was a fear I had years ago when the only guys who showed any interest in me had issues with their issues.

Like I've said before Darcy has drawn me out of my shell but right now I think it's just my head poking out a little.

Why I Love My Dog- and Why I'm Willing To Fight For Her

I honestly didn't know how much my life would change when I got my dog Darcy because it's still changing every day.

It's said that dogs love unconditionally. They do, especially my Darcy. Even when I'm mad and frustrated with her she still loves me. I'm trying to learn every day how to keep my cool and not get frustrated when she barks at every noise outside and still jumps on me from time to time. I know that I need to be her teacher and when I do teach she soaks it up like a sponge (tonight we were doing a training bit where I have her jump on and off the bed and when she's on the bed I had her go into a 'down', except that after about the third jump she just went into the 'down' without my telling her. I called her a little stinker and gave her an extra treat and hug).

And yes, she's always happy to see me when I get home and also if I just need a cuddle or a hug she's always there. And when I wake up in the middle of the night after having a bad dream, which does happen at least once a week or so, she'll come up on the bed and cuddle with me. That has meant a lot for me because it's a terrible feeling to wake up in the dead of the night all alone (which I did for too many years). And it is one of the main reasons I won't give up on Darcy and continue to work through her behavior issues.

She's not a 'bad' dog and I'm not that 'bad' of a human. Yes, I've made a truck-load of mistakes with her but many other dog owners are far from perfect. Sadly, a lot of them give up on their dogs and all I'm asking for is an opportunity to learn. Because another reason I love Darcy is that she's forced me out of my shell and continues to do every day. Because I've stood by my dog I'm learning to become more assertive and to fight for what I believe in. In January I could have just given up Darcy and crawled back into my shell. Instead with the help of my incredibly wonderful roommate I held onto my Darcy. Because if I had gotten rid of Darcy I would have been haunted and guilt-ridden for the rest of my life. It's still something I fear greatly but I cling to my determination to stay the course and be the human-mom I need to be for her.

Fear This, and Write Anyway

This is the background on my computer right now.

 

I read this article on The Huffington Post Saturday and it's got me thinking about the last couple of days and how I've begun to realize I need to step out of my shell and do more with my life. Race Day (as I'm now calling Friday's day at the track) proved to me that I have a sense of adventure without fear.

So my realization is that if I approach doing something out of my comfort zone as an adventure I'll embrace it and do it to the max. Next question I have then is, can I apply this sense of adventure to my writing?

And my answer is a resounding yes. Now I've been writing since I was in my early teens and have had my ups and downs to say the least. I've been dutiful, fanciful, and lazy as all get out. I've had days where the words flew from my fingers and days where each one was pulled out of the muck. But never did I have any real fear until the last couple of years. Because it seems that when I got knocked off the tracks of my life (when my Dad had a stroke in 2009) I got rocked to my core. My writing, like a lot of other things in my life, got pushed to the wayside. And each time I went for it and tried to get back in the grove I haven't been able to.

This blog is the first time I've felt that grove become a possibility in my life. But the fear that I have with the writing is more of that it will take away from my life. Which is complete and utter bullshit as I have plenty of time and can make it happen like I did before. What I was thinking and feeling yesterday was that I should be doing something else. Tension and anxiety gripped me as I sat in front of the computer wanting to write but being paralyzed with anxiety and the awful feeling of writing not being a worthy activity.

Identifying fear is the first step in combating it. The fear I have is that if I sit down and write I'm taking away from someone else or something else I need to do. But the thing is I know I have a right to my time and time to write if I want to. And I want to because when I think about that writing grove I get a terrible craving for it. Not like a junkie craving but like a craving for a cup of coffee in the morning- a need almost.

So instead of writing being a burning need I'll approach it as an adventure. It'll be like sitting down at the computer and seeing which way the wind takes me. It'll be knowing that I can climb into the stock car of a book and grip the roll-cage bar as the writing-car takes off at a 110-miles an hour.