Changing Hairstyles, and More

Yes, I'm slowly going to change my hairstyle. Now that I don't have so much face (yes, I've lost weight there, too) I realize that I need a new hairstyle. I've kept it very short for so long because I just wanted nothing to do with my hair (had long and wavy years ago but it was a major pain in the butt to take care of). But I also realize that I did not want to draw attention to myself either so I kept it very short and no-maintanence. At first it was a popular hairstyle but now it's giving people an impression I don't quite want them to have.

A confession here: I've never been entirely comfortable with attention on me. It's a major thing for me to stand in front of someone and not babble and look at the ground like a moron. Such is the mindset of a shy person but for me someone noticing the way I look is something I'm going to have to get used to. But the question I had to ask myself over the weekend was this: do I want to attract attention to myself physically?

The answer is yes, but in my own slow-going way. So the first step is letting my hair grow out (thinking about letting it go all one length then getting it curled but I still haven't made the final decision there). Second, I've begun to consider maybe wearing some makeup. I've avoided makeup for years because of my seriously-oily skin that made makeup very uncomfortable. I still have oily skin though nowhere near the level it was years ago. I'm thinking about some nice lipstick or gloss, mascara, eyebrow pencil, and maybe a light foundation and blush if I can find products that don't flake out in two hours (I'm hoping makeup has improved in the last ten years). And third is slowly getting rid of all my baggy clothes. As a heavy-set woman I've worn the requisite not-form-fitting shirts and pants because I had too much of me. Now that I don't have so much of me I'm starting to wear stuff that's not so baggy.

The next question I have is this: will changing my appearence change me? It may get me more attention that I will have to deal with. That attention in turn is going to force me out of my shell more. I am intent on getting out of my shell but trust me, it isn't easy. Now I don't think I'm trying to be a pig with lipstick but when I reach the point where I'm out of the plus-size section of the store for good I honestly don't know what I'll do with myself.

Good thing that's a ways off. :)

Still the Same Old Me

I read this article and I almost wanted to say in response: a new body does not equal a new body mind and soul. It's like when people ask how my weight loss has changed me (in the last year I've lost close to a hundred pounds and am still losing). In reply, on the outside a lot but on the inside it's still the same old me.

Now another thing I differ with on this article is that as a fat person I didn't engage in heavy self-hatred of my body. I had just given up on it years and years ago. I had resigned myself to being heavy and that never changing. Had I tried diet and exercise? I have scoliosis so I've always been afraid of doing anything that would wreck what is already a pretty bad back to begin with. Second, I barely ate and was never a binge eater so food wasn't my problem either. It was just a resignation with a side dish of just not caring. In reality I always thought I'd be the shy and quiet fat girl who'd just cruise quietly through life. I still feel like that most of the time but as I lose the next hundred pounds the fat part won't apply.

You see, my looks have never been something I've been known for (except as the fat girl who did get teased and taunted for it- but that ended around junior high so no major scarring there). I've never been comfortable with being noticed or having attention on me because of some negative experiences and also because terribly shy and very self-conscious and nervous inside. It's a major trial for me to speak up and draw attention to myself though I also tell myself I'm not a bad person and if no one wanted to hear from me they would let me know. I've been blessed to have many wonderful people in my life both family and friends who have been supportive and encouraging of what I have done. I've learned to cut negative people out of my life and continue to do so to this day. Being around more positive than negative people has really helped me start to take those baby steps out of my shy shell (and trust me, these are snail-size baby steps).

So when I reach my goal weight and am not seen as a fat girl how will I react to the attention, especially from guys? With more than a little irony because I'll just be thinking that I'm still the same person on the inside. I'm not saying that guys are shallow but trust me, fat girls, like girls who wear glasses, are pretty much invisible in the dating game. So if my looks draw somebody to me I'll be flattered with the attention but trust me, it won't go to my head. I may not be as quiet and shy in the future but trust me I won't forget what it's like to be on the outside looking in.