A Thousand Words a Day (or less)

Darcy

I've been into a one-legged ass-kicking contest with myself over the last few days or so and finally stopped yesterday. I've been kicking myself over a few things and of course one of them is my writing.

I was thinking that no matter how hard I try I can’t get the writing in gear. It’s like I think about writing, sit down in front of the computer, then nothing. I can analyze this to death (which I have already) or I can find a solution that will work. Yesterday I had a thought: I can write a thousand words a day. Because once I sit down at the keyboard I just let my fingers fly along the keyboard. Now I’ve got a Word file open so I can actually see how many words I am producing at a given time.

Numbers are not the be-all-end-all but they are a concrete way of seeing progress. Watching a word count figure, seeing the growing number of pages, counting down to deadline and seeing progress on schedule- these are not things to be afraid of. As much as I like to think I’m all free-spirit and scatter-brained in reality I like organization and routine. I do get a visceral thrill out of charts and spreadsheets and cleaning and organizing. I might as well channel that into something productive.

Years ago I did a program called Morning Pages (it’s from The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron). Morning Pages are three pages hand-written daily and are not to be edited or revised in any way. It helped me a lot back then but I don’t hand-write anymore and three pages of my daily bullshit is not the solution for me at present.

What is a solution for me is this:

1) Daily blog entry of a 1000 words (or less- I won’t pressure myself to hit a thousand if it’s just not going to happen) I also have a list of blog topics if I don’t have something for the day to begin with.

2) Work on my Darcy book (I have an outline I need to refine and organize)

3) Work on revisions for my novel (printed out the last draft and have it all nice and neat in a three-ring binder and a pencil bag with pencils, pens, highlighters, and sticky notes)

Writing is like anything else you do- you have to do it every day to get good at it. Years ago the great violinist Isaac Stern was stopped by a couple of tourists as he was walking to Carnegie Hall for a concert. The tourists asked how do you get to Carnegie Hall and Mr. Stern replied, “Practice, practice, practice.” The tourists just wanted to know which way to walk but Mr. Stern replied with the way to get on the stage there.

So the lesson from the previous paragraph is that you can walk the street but to get on the stage you’ve got to do the work. With writing there’s just one way to get there: write. Every single day if possible and have goals and even deadlines. If a goal is a thousand words a day, revise a chapter a day, or whatever then that’s the map.

Revision Notebook

Walking Along My Path

The Kerry Way walking path between Sneem and Kenmare in Ireland

picture from: http://myscienceacademy.org/2013/04/14/the-33-most-beautiful-abandoned-places-in-the-world/

 

 

 

It's early Saturday morning (for most people anyway- I've been up since 5:30 am) and am working on my second cup of coffee. I haven't looked at my post yesterday but know that I had a case of Suzy Homemaker fever yesterday (used to be baby fever but I'm pretty much over that). I baked a cake last night so Suzy's resting comfortably for the moment.

 

But this morning I was thinking about the path of my life and the fact that I do not need to jump off it completely and careen down the hill like a mad woman. One, I can't afford to do that and two, I have the right ideas about where I want to go and what I want to do. So here is my path and the lanes I'm following as I walk along.

 

First: my day job. I've expressed ambition to get back to my former position of senior representative but I also remember the huge workload and stress of said position. Part of me would like to have the teeny-tiny bit of authority the position brought me along with the mentoring and teaching part, but another part of me doesn't want the added stress load either. In addition, if I want to advance at said job I'll need to go back to school and get my degree. And that would eat into my free time which I want to devote to my writing. Yet the writing is certainly no sure thing (though I'll also say no job is either). But I'm not under any deadline there so I'm not going to worry about the next step there until the time comes.

 

Second: the writing. I've been slacking off yet again but I've got a couple of things I want to do today. I've gotten two e-books about character and plotting as I know both have been a major problem with the book I want to work on. I've never been one to plot or make notes as I've had this fear that they'll drive my book into the grave. The thing is, this book's gone through multiple drafts that have only been minor improvements over the previous ones. Major work is needed and I need help. Hopefully I'll have a picture of pretty-colored notecards on my bulletin board soon.

 

Third: my social life. Or lack there of, to be more precise. I posted a profile on a dating site (Plenty of Fish) and have gotten a couple of nibbles but not enough to make me reply. Maybe I'm being too dang picky but the lack of any real reply (two have been single questions and the other feels like a canned response) and lack of grammar and punctuation haven't compelled me to respond. Now my profile isn't the most eloquent but it is honest and I did check my spelling and used all the grammar I know. Maybe I ought to add to my profile: please use grammar and punctuation when replying to me. Or better put: bad grammar and lack of punctuation is a turn-off for me.

 

So today's lovely Saturday agenda:

 

- Laundry

- Walk my puppy then take her to puppy school (that's what I call training classes/sessions for her) tonight

- Do my plot/character thing and set up on my bulletin board



Non-Traditional Suzy Homemaker

Every now and then my inner Suzy Homemaker wants to come out and play. She likes to clean (especially vacuum), sort and straighten up, and most of all, she likes to putter around in the kitchen and bake. The last part is extremely popular with those I live with as it usually results in some sweet dish that doesn't last a day.

Personally, I think I would have made a good housewife (or stay-at-home mom if I had kids) even in today's world. I like keeping a house in order and cooking and baking. I know that's like a slap in the face to feminism but if you enjoy those things while at the same time doing your own thing then why the heck not? An author I follow wrote a book in which the heroine at the end of the story quit her job as a high-powered investigative journalist to stay at home and bake pies (the author is Pamela Clare and the book was 'Breaking Point'- great book by the way and an awesome part of her I-Team series). The thing was the heroine was a serious burnout and had more than earned the down-time to get on with her new life. Feminism to my way of thinking is about choices and if a woman chooses to stay-at-home and not have some high-powered career then more power to her. This mommy-wars (mommy bloggers like to wage war over shit like this over the internet) are complete and utter bullshit.

My mother was a stay-at-home back in the 1970's but she went back to work when I was three years old so I don't really remember too much of that time when she didn't work. One time I asked her why she hadn't gone to college and pursued a career path and she told me she didn't want time away from her family. She made a choice to work that was mostly financial though she also said she was starting to grow bored with the stay-at-home bit. And yes I found out she did take some shit for not going on the career path. But my mother had very clear priorities in life and I had enormous respect for her because of how she stood firm in her choices. I think she would have enjoyed staying at home more if she had been able to pursue activities/hobbies she loved like photography and gardening but she didn't have a lot of self-confidence so she never got real serious about photography for example even though she had the eye and the talent for it (she took a course at a local community college once and her pictures were awesome- especially the ones she took in black-and-white). I inherited her shyness and self-confidence issues though I like to think I can do more with my own life as I can see my issues and know that I can overcome them in small baby steps.

I don't have a need to work outside the home though I do right now to earn a living. For me, to work from home and indulge my Suzy Homemaker side would be a personal choice. And if anyone didn't like my choices then no baked goodies for them.

The thing is, if I had done the stay-at-home-housewife-and-mom thing I would like to think I would have been a bit non-traditional. I would have worn rockstar and geeky t-shirts, listening to rock or jazz in the car with my kids, watched geeky tv and introduced them to classic movies, and taught them to question authority and not to blindly follow anyone or anything.

But now I think it'll just be me and the pets in a little cottage or condo of our own someday.

My so-not-traditional recipe book: I was looking for a three-ring binder to put my recipe print-outs in and this was all I could find. Kind of fitting though. :)

 

Exuberence in a Sometimes Crappy World

Earlier this evening I was listening to music on the radio (www.krtu.org- San Antonio's only Jazz station) and they were playing great swing music in the 8 o'clock hour and in the 9 o'clock hour some rare recordings of Duke Ellington at the Newport Jazz Festival in 1959.

First, I love jazz and swing music. Swing was my grandparents' music and when I was a kid I thought of it as happy music. One time my father and I were in the car listening to swing music on the radio and my father said he was always amazed that such happy exuberant music came out of the era that it did (the Depression in the 1930's followed by World War Two in the 1940's). I always thought it was a response to what was happening at the time, a celebration of life and love despite the pain and war and suffering going in the world. And this is needed now more than ever (it's been just a day since the Boston Marathon bombing as I write this).

At first in the face of tragedy and suffering I want to cry and mourn and rail at the unfair ugliness in the world. Then I think of all the 'helpers' as Mr. Rogers called them (a quote of his circulated on Facebook yesterday: "When I was a young child and saw bad things on the news my mother always told me to look for the helpers. There are always people helping."). Then I think of all the kind and generous people in Boston who donated blood, took in the runners who had no place to go, the clergy who comforted the wounded and their families, the medical professionals working around the clock to take care of the wounded, and the people who set up message boards online for people to check on family members in Boston. There is so much more good in the world than bad and I think that's an important thing to remember.

I was so glad I found the music tonight because it put a smile on my face and reminded me people will laugh and love and dance and sing in the face of pain and suffering. We need to embrace the exuberance of jazz and swing music and remember to swing on.

I know I will.

Shameless plug here: I became a member of KRTU as they are not funded by advertising or corporate sponsorship- they are one of only 50 FCC-licensed jazz stations in the United States and one of two in Texas. They stream over the Internet and are on FM 91.7 here in San Antonio. I've been listening to the station for over twenty years (started listening back in high school and I used to hate when they had to power down after 10 pm because I played hell with the reception after that unless it was a calm clear night- glad they don't have to do that anymore). Membership gets you into their events free and you can get some nice gifts, too. Here's a pic of the tote bag I got for joining:

Changing Hairstyles, and More

Yes, I'm slowly going to change my hairstyle. Now that I don't have so much face (yes, I've lost weight there, too) I realize that I need a new hairstyle. I've kept it very short for so long because I just wanted nothing to do with my hair (had long and wavy years ago but it was a major pain in the butt to take care of). But I also realize that I did not want to draw attention to myself either so I kept it very short and no-maintanence. At first it was a popular hairstyle but now it's giving people an impression I don't quite want them to have.

A confession here: I've never been entirely comfortable with attention on me. It's a major thing for me to stand in front of someone and not babble and look at the ground like a moron. Such is the mindset of a shy person but for me someone noticing the way I look is something I'm going to have to get used to. But the question I had to ask myself over the weekend was this: do I want to attract attention to myself physically?

The answer is yes, but in my own slow-going way. So the first step is letting my hair grow out (thinking about letting it go all one length then getting it curled but I still haven't made the final decision there). Second, I've begun to consider maybe wearing some makeup. I've avoided makeup for years because of my seriously-oily skin that made makeup very uncomfortable. I still have oily skin though nowhere near the level it was years ago. I'm thinking about some nice lipstick or gloss, mascara, eyebrow pencil, and maybe a light foundation and blush if I can find products that don't flake out in two hours (I'm hoping makeup has improved in the last ten years). And third is slowly getting rid of all my baggy clothes. As a heavy-set woman I've worn the requisite not-form-fitting shirts and pants because I had too much of me. Now that I don't have so much of me I'm starting to wear stuff that's not so baggy.

The next question I have is this: will changing my appearence change me? It may get me more attention that I will have to deal with. That attention in turn is going to force me out of my shell more. I am intent on getting out of my shell but trust me, it isn't easy. Now I don't think I'm trying to be a pig with lipstick but when I reach the point where I'm out of the plus-size section of the store for good I honestly don't know what I'll do with myself.

Good thing that's a ways off. :)

Working For the Weekend

And it's a payday weekend to boot though I'd say most of mine is out the door already. But one thing I will be getting is a new vacum cleaner- mine's given up the ghost and there is enough pet hair in this place to create several new pets with.

It's not that I don't like my job, because I do most of the time (except on a Monday when I start and end my day with the billing call from hell). It's just that I'm not in love with it right now. But a good thing is there are now brief, blessed moments of silence between calls. Blessed silence is a gift to a call center jockey as it gives you a minute to breathe and rest your voice. It's good that are more bodies to answer the phones and as it seems people will not stop calling (if they did I'd be out of a job). I'm just glad for the brief silence on my part and also that wait times are dropping.

Speaking of the weekend, now that the weather is turning nicer Friday's are now Darcy's day at the park (Saturdays are a mob scene and I'm not comfortable with her in a crowd yet). Maybe guy from last week will be there this Friday though if he is I will just introduce myself. That's a goal of mine- if I start chatting someone up is to introduce myself and at least get their name.

And now for a doggie LOL pic of the day:

Dog on the left is my roommate's dog and no, my Darcy did not photobomb here. She just looks like that pretty much all of the time.

Peeking Out of My Shell

Okay, yesterday I took my dog to the dog park so she run around off-leash. There was a guy there with this dog. At first he was talking on his cell phone so I just played with my Darcy. Then he got off his phone and his dog and mine started playing together. And we talked about our dogs... and that was it. When I suddenly realized that maybe I could talk to him about more than just our dogs I clammed up. Now I didn't want to hit on him or get his number or anything like that. But at least I could have introduced myself and found out something about him.

I confess I haven't really dated or done much socializing, especially with the opposite sex. I can name a hundred reasons and say that 99% are complete bullshit. In reality I'm a tongue-tied, severely-shy social klutz who can't seem to get the hang of most social, human-interactive situations.

The first problem for me is severe shyness. It's a problem I was born with and will likely take to my grave. It's my trouble with being nervous around people, which manifests itself in an inability to make eye contact and stumble over words and what to say and how to say it. For me shyness is a fear of someone not liking me and getting mad at me or teasing me or calling me a complete putz who shouldn't come outside and play at all. And yes I did have some not-so-good childhood experiences that were like this but not in the last few years.

Second problem I have is that in my mind I'm thinking at a hundred miles an hour about what I'm saying or going to say or what I should say and how I should say it and what do I do if someone says this or that... Yeah, you get the picture: I over-analyze. And of course over-analyzing leads to verbal paralysis for me and yesterday happens again and again. I think most people do not do anywhere near the amount of analysis that I do in my head but if I can just get my brain to calm down then maybe I won't suffer the verbal paralysis.

So all the above adds up to me being unable to engage in casual friendly conversation with the opposite sex commonly called flirting. I would love to be able to just relax and engage in a simple conversation with just the goal being to have a simple conversation and not put any pressure on myself. This is really bad with men because I'm so tongue-tied when any guy shows even the slightest interest in me. I guess I'm afraid they'll think I'm a klutz and just not worth the effort. Also, I'm afraid of attracting the wrong kind of guy (the needy or selfish asshole). I honestly don't think I'd settle for an asshole-guy but I know that was a fear I had years ago when the only guys who showed any interest in me had issues with their issues.

Like I've said before Darcy has drawn me out of my shell but right now I think it's just my head poking out a little.

The New Normal, Or It's Still the Economy, Stupid

In 1992 Bill Clinton's campaign manager James Carville famously exclaimed "It's about the economy, stupid!" And I believe that to be more relevant than ever. Each day there seems to be news that while something may be looking up, five other things are still looking downward in terms of economy and jobs.

Some time back I read an article about a 'new normal' for the economy and job market. The gist of the article was that things won't go back to the way they were. Which is understandable as things change. Take an article I read this morning about jobs being made obsolete by technology- technology is not the problem itself but the companies who integrate the technology without thinking about the people they're tossing out on their ears. It used to be there were jobs that paid well that only required a high-school diploma. This lifted many families into the middle-class and enabled them to send children to college who then in turn moved into the upper middle-class. But now those high-school diploma jobs are rapidly drying up and even a college degree sometimes isn't as valuable as it once was. Now I still feel a college degree has value and sometimes it can get you ahead in the job line but the cost of education is something that has to be addressed, too.

Living on the cheap used to be what you did when you starting out or getting back into the game after getting knocked down. Now it's normal for so many people even for those who have a steady job. Wages have not kept up with inflation and the vicious cycle that the powers-that-be can't seem to realize is that without money to spend there is no real way to stimulate economic growth. Companies come back and say they can't hire and increase wages without cutting into profits. Bullshit- these greedy bastards cut wages and people starting in 2008 and then put the fear of joblessness into the remaining souls they had on the payroll and squeezed more productivity for less money. But I will say that's starting to come back on some companies (Wal-Mart comes to mind- I read an article about how their sales are starting to hurt because they won't hire enough people to stock and service their stores).

But I wonder how people would change if they did have more money- would they more careful? Would they focus on managing debt and saving more money? Or would they revert to the free-wheeling spend-for-all ways pre-2008? Personally, as long and as hard as this recession has been I don't think people would revert to pre-2008 ways if wages did take an upturn. I would hope that people would listen to common sense and not give in to consumer madness. Now some nitwit-pundits will say if people are too cautious then it will perpetuate the cycle of a suck-ass economy. Why would that happen if people will spend money but not at insane levels? I don't see a need for insane corporate profits and get-rich-quick bullshit like it seemed to be pre-2008. For me, as I earn more I'm sticking to my goal of getting out of debt and building up a solid savings and investment plan. And I won't live beyond my means for any damn corporate entity or some dumb-ass pundit who doesn't know jack-shit about the real world.

The new normal right now of living on the cheap sucks. People should be able to have money to spend on what they want to instead of having to say 'no' to themselves and worst of all, their kids. And I'm not talking about gold-plated Mercedes spending desires here- I'm talking about being able to go the movies or eat out once a week type of spending here. I'm solidly middle-class and even if I got rich I don't think my mindset would change. Going without does bring things into perspective both good and bad and the good far outweighs the bad in the sense that you see what really matters: the people around you and how you live your life. If you can take care of yourself then you can help out those with even less.

Poverty sucks and it's not a choice. But living hand-to-mouth and on the cheap because you have no choice also sucks. So when it comes to the economy, stupid it's not just a catch phrase: it's a way of life that shouldn't be.

Why I Love My Dog- and Why I'm Willing To Fight For Her

I honestly didn't know how much my life would change when I got my dog Darcy because it's still changing every day.

It's said that dogs love unconditionally. They do, especially my Darcy. Even when I'm mad and frustrated with her she still loves me. I'm trying to learn every day how to keep my cool and not get frustrated when she barks at every noise outside and still jumps on me from time to time. I know that I need to be her teacher and when I do teach she soaks it up like a sponge (tonight we were doing a training bit where I have her jump on and off the bed and when she's on the bed I had her go into a 'down', except that after about the third jump she just went into the 'down' without my telling her. I called her a little stinker and gave her an extra treat and hug).

And yes, she's always happy to see me when I get home and also if I just need a cuddle or a hug she's always there. And when I wake up in the middle of the night after having a bad dream, which does happen at least once a week or so, she'll come up on the bed and cuddle with me. That has meant a lot for me because it's a terrible feeling to wake up in the dead of the night all alone (which I did for too many years). And it is one of the main reasons I won't give up on Darcy and continue to work through her behavior issues.

She's not a 'bad' dog and I'm not that 'bad' of a human. Yes, I've made a truck-load of mistakes with her but many other dog owners are far from perfect. Sadly, a lot of them give up on their dogs and all I'm asking for is an opportunity to learn. Because another reason I love Darcy is that she's forced me out of my shell and continues to do every day. Because I've stood by my dog I'm learning to become more assertive and to fight for what I believe in. In January I could have just given up Darcy and crawled back into my shell. Instead with the help of my incredibly wonderful roommate I held onto my Darcy. Because if I had gotten rid of Darcy I would have been haunted and guilt-ridden for the rest of my life. It's still something I fear greatly but I cling to my determination to stay the course and be the human-mom I need to be for her.

My Need For Rituals

 

I was thinking about writing about my lack of blogging and whatnot but I didn't want to see myself whine here so instead I'm doing this.

I believe I've said this before but I do like my daily rituals. I like my walks with Darcy in the dark, my first cup of coffee, scrolling through Facebook, and reading my comics before going to work and or doing anything else. If I didn't start my day with this daily ritual I'd really feel discombobulated. I still haven't gotten into the daily writing routine but one thing at a time.

Some examples in my daily life:

- I like my coffee in one coffee-cup: currently it’s my 30^th anniversary Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back mug. Any other mug just won’t do and I hate it when I can’t find it (which is why I usually keep it in my room unless it’s time to wash it or pour coffee into it). In addition to my Empire Strikes Back mug I also like this certain mug for my milk in the morning. It’s this mug with a chicken and a chick on it that my grandmother probably gave me twenty years ago. It keeps the milk cold and I guess it is a good memory association for me, hence the reason I like the mug and don’t want to use anything else in the morning.

- My morning coffee: I can NOT go without. I like to say coffee is my real addiction if you will and I never want to start the day without it. I have a two-cup-a-day habit and just feel like I can’t function without it. And I now have a real coffee maker and can use my bean grinder for fresh-ground. Now I’m in coffee Nirvana every morning. J

- My morning routine: it’s modified somewhat over the years but now it’s get up before dawn, walk Darcy around the apartment complex, have my coffee and breakfast, then read Facebook/mysa.com/comics before I go to work. I’d like to add writing into that routine like I used to do ages ago. But I like a quiet start to a morning and can’t fathom how anyone can do otherwise. It’s like I bristle at the thought of a loud and dashy morning when I like to take my time and ease into the day.

And as I think about this I also think about how it relates to my quasi-religious beliefs. I was baptized Catholic but don’t identify as one now (that’s another blog entry for another time). My roommate is a Buddhist and I’ve been to her temple services and as I sat around talking with her fellow Buddhists I realized that a lot of my personal philosophy and beliefs are very Buddhist in nature so I don’t think I would have any trouble becoming a practicing Buddhist. Yet I’m also drawn to Judaism. I’ve had a life-long fascination with Judaism and have considered learning more about a possible conversion. And I think one of the reasons I’m drawn to Judaism is the ritual and also that many of the scholars and teachers of the faith seem to challenge it so there isn’t a lot of a dogma-feel to it (which is one of the main reasons I don’t feel drawn back to Catholicism).

Right now I want to get writing back into my daily ritual. I used to write for close to two hours every morning and two or more at night then more on the weekends. Then my life went to hell in a handbasket and I’ve been playing trying-to-catch-up since. I just can’t seem to get up earlier in the morning though I know I can if I well and truly want to. This week I’m planning to get up earlier, walk Darcy, do the other stuff then edit-revise these blog entries before posting then work on my novel in the evening. I won’t set hard and fast goals though I will log the word counts into my spreadsheet.

Old Tricks and Random Thoughs

Well, I did set up a writing spreadsheet on Sunday. I haven't filled any of it out yet as a lovely (not!) cold front blew into San Antonio and has my joints creaking in agony. Needless to say my energy levels are low and I'm barely able to move after sitting for any length of time. But I did figure out a start to my novel- right in the middle of the action. Actually, I'm starting with a line I came up with a few years back: She was slammed into consciousness.

I think that might have been why I was having such trouble getting started over this winter- not enough daylight or heat. I started walking Darcy in the early morning and it's always been dark unless we get up late. I've never really felt affected by a lack of daylight but I was just thinking about that this evening on my walk and I realized that I was really missing sunlight and heat.

Anyway, tomorrow's my Friday work-wise and it's also payday though my money's out the door by Friday. But I am taking $20 and buying a programmable coffee maker. I do not like waiting for a cup of coffee to make and also I can use my bean grinder again. We have a Keurig and I think the damn thing is way overrated- my roommate tried using fresh-ground coffee and it kept exploding. I wasn't willing to waste good ground so I've been without since before Christmas. The Keurig is nice if you want a single cup of coffee but I have a two-cup-a-day habit I will not give up.

So hopefully with the warming weather my energy levels will go up and I'll be able to get my writing show on the road.

Things I Do, and Things I Want to Do

If you look on this blog so far you can kind of see a pattern in terms of things I do and things I want to do.

The things I do every day or think about every day are:
- my job
- my dog
- my weight loss (though I don't think about this one too much as walking every day and eating three meals a day are automatic for me now)
- my reading (finished both books I started a week ago: I read one on my Kindle at work and one at home in paperback before I go to bed at night)

The things I want to do are:
- Write every day (and more than just this blog)
- Go back to school and get my degree

The 'write every day' bit is not to get paralyzed by the fact that I'm having trouble focusing on writing itself. This blog is going okay for me right now because I have a limited space and can confine myself to one page at a time. My writing projects on the other hand are more than one page and for some bonkers reason that's pinching me in the throat and pulling me back from doing any work on them.

So what do I do about that?

Move the 'write every day' into the 'Things I Do list and out of the 'Things I Want to Do' list.

The things I do:
- my job
- my dog
- my weight loss (though I don't think about this one too much as walking every day and eating three meals a day are automatic for me now)
- my reading (finished both books I started a week ago: I read one on my Kindle at work and one at home in paperback before I go to bed at night)
- Write every day.

There. I did it. Now, what to do write every day? It seems like I every time I set up a plan or a schedule it goes to hell in a basket as soon as the pencil led settles on the paper (I write mostly with mechanical pencils because pens always run out of ink for me). It seems that I can come up with ideas just fine- it's just fleshing them out that's the problem.

How did I do it before then? I actually had a spreadsheet I used to track what project I was working on and the daily word count. For me it was like seeing that I was making progress on a project and seeing what days were good for me in terms of word count kept me working, like a schedule or progress chart. It also showed me what goals were realistic for me. So add that to the To Do List for today: set up writing spreadsheet.

Finally, I think another thing that's hindered me with the writing is that the ideas I come up with are what I'm calling 'books'. My first thought when I think of writing a book is 50,000+ words. Trust me, that's a lot of words. But I know I know I don't have to use that as my word count every single time. These new ideas are probably better in a shorter format though if they hit the 50k mark that's fine, too.

Still the Same Old Me

I read this article and I almost wanted to say in response: a new body does not equal a new body mind and soul. It's like when people ask how my weight loss has changed me (in the last year I've lost close to a hundred pounds and am still losing). In reply, on the outside a lot but on the inside it's still the same old me.

Now another thing I differ with on this article is that as a fat person I didn't engage in heavy self-hatred of my body. I had just given up on it years and years ago. I had resigned myself to being heavy and that never changing. Had I tried diet and exercise? I have scoliosis so I've always been afraid of doing anything that would wreck what is already a pretty bad back to begin with. Second, I barely ate and was never a binge eater so food wasn't my problem either. It was just a resignation with a side dish of just not caring. In reality I always thought I'd be the shy and quiet fat girl who'd just cruise quietly through life. I still feel like that most of the time but as I lose the next hundred pounds the fat part won't apply.

You see, my looks have never been something I've been known for (except as the fat girl who did get teased and taunted for it- but that ended around junior high so no major scarring there). I've never been comfortable with being noticed or having attention on me because of some negative experiences and also because terribly shy and very self-conscious and nervous inside. It's a major trial for me to speak up and draw attention to myself though I also tell myself I'm not a bad person and if no one wanted to hear from me they would let me know. I've been blessed to have many wonderful people in my life both family and friends who have been supportive and encouraging of what I have done. I've learned to cut negative people out of my life and continue to do so to this day. Being around more positive than negative people has really helped me start to take those baby steps out of my shy shell (and trust me, these are snail-size baby steps).

So when I reach my goal weight and am not seen as a fat girl how will I react to the attention, especially from guys? With more than a little irony because I'll just be thinking that I'm still the same person on the inside. I'm not saying that guys are shallow but trust me, fat girls, like girls who wear glasses, are pretty much invisible in the dating game. So if my looks draw somebody to me I'll be flattered with the attention but trust me, it won't go to my head. I may not be as quiet and shy in the future but trust me I won't forget what it's like to be on the outside looking in.

No Such Thing As a Bad Dog

This is a good article that is oh-so-true about dogs: http://www.petside.com/article/bad-dog-myth

Two months ago I thought I was the worst dog owner in the world but now I realize I was just weak-willed and uninformed. My intentions were always good and I would have never given up on my Darcy. It must be nuts for trainers to see owners who won't do their share and I can't begin to imagine what the shelter and rescue group people must do to keep their mouths shut when they take these poor dogs in. With my two trainers I have given them my undivided attention and listened closely, especially with my second trainer now. My second trainer has the patience of a saint and is incredibly informative and encouraging. In the last month since I've had Darcy in private lessons I've learned so much and feel so much better as a dog owner. And Darcy's behavior has improved greatly and a lot of people have begun to notice.

I don't like to judge people but when I got my Darcy I was under the now-ridiculous impression that all dog owners knew what they were doing. Sadly there are those that don't. I don't like the ones who leave their dogs outside all alone to get bored and lonely so they bark at everything or just sit there all lifeless and sad. I see this in the apartment complex I live in- there's this one puppy Darcy and I see almost every evening and I just have to be nice when in reality I just want to take the dog in and love on him. Second, there's this lady who lets her dog outside without a leash and he wanders all over the place before coming back to her. In an apartment complex you don't let your dog off leash becuase of the cars that race through the place and also there is a rule that dogs have to be on leash outside at all times. Then this evening we met a 4-month old boxer mix whose owner seems to be more than a little frustrated. She had her kid with her so I didn't come down too hard because I didn't want to upset the kid. But in reality I really wanted to tell her to get the bug out of her ass, let the dog sniff and explore, and not to use any harsh or corporal punishment with the dog. With a dog that young you want to let them burn off their energy and play with them before trying to teach commands. I just encouraged her to get the dog into training and maybe go to a pinch collar since the harness didn't seem to be working too well.

Like I said I'm far from perfect but there are teachable moments all the time. But even I get frustrated as like tonight- I'm trying to teach Darcy to wait before coming inside but it's a hard command to learn because she just wants to get inside and play with the other dog. I got frustrated and just gave in before remembering that my trainer said that if I get frustrated or my dog just isn't cooperating to stop and take a break. So I just let Darcy inside and took a break. Later I went back to work with her in my room on the 'wait' command to help get it into our repatoire.

In the article the trainer mentioned a lack of exercise for dogs. That's a huge problem for a lot of dogs, especially high-energy breeds. I used to walk Darcy just once a day but when I added a second walk in the morning that started to calm her down, too. In addition now I'm working with her inside for five to ten minutes a pop on basic commands and teaching new ones. She's smart and stubborn yes but more than willing to learn. And before we met the boxer-mix we had the tennis court to ourselves and it was a great opportunity to work with her outside where there are lots of distractions. I wish it was free every night but when it is free we're there.

Now Darcy's all chilled out after her bath (she gets the itchies and I use a medicated shampoo for her). Amazingly she likes baths though the shampoo I use for her is actually a calming one it seems. And when her fur starts to dry it's a little crimped like an 80's girl at the mall. (I tried to get a picture but it didn't come out too well.)

Writing Project - Darcy's Story

Right now I'm working on a non-fiction book I've tentatively titled 'Darcy's Story'. Two months ago I had to muzzle my Darcy when she's outside at the apartment complex I live in because she'd snapped her leash and went after another dog. That day ranks in the top-ten worst days of my life because I seriously thought I would have to give her up. I thought I was the absolute worst dog owner in the world for letting Darcy's aggressive behavior get out of control. I felt like a complete dumb-head because I hadn't trained my dog right. Thank God stubborn pride kicked in along with my roommate talking me down out of that tree because I dug my heels in and have been working with Darcy ever since.

The book is my way of sharing my story because I read somewhere (I still can't find the exact article) that over fifty percent of dogs are turned in to shelters and rescue groups due to behavior issues. The thing is, behavior issues are solvable problems. They involve a lot of training, constant work, and dedication to the end goal of having a well-behaved dog. My training with Darcy consists of reinforcing positive behaviors and correcting negative behaviors. It also involves lots of repetition, and lots of treats. But the result is a dog who is getting better at obeying every day and who gives me hope that she'll be the dog I know she is meant to be and that I can learn how to be a good and responsible dog owner.

Like right now for instance- she's sitting under my desk looking outside. She growls and barks at people and dogs and cats outside and I'm getting her not to. It's not just a loud 'no' but the better command of 'look at me'. Of course I have a treat in my hand but that's her incentive. Eventually she'll learn that she doesn't need to bark and alert me (especially in the middle of the night).

This is the kind of thing want to include in this book. Earlier I was working on the introduction and I'm sure a lot of it is going into the garbage as there's a lot of bitchiness to it right now. But this is just free writing until I get my traction and figure out exactly what I want to write and the tone I want for this book. I have a rough outline of the chapters and some bits and pieces of those.

So the goal this week is to get the introduction in some semblance of order and to edit out some of the bitchiness.

Drive By Monday

This is kind of a drive-by post as it's Monday and I have to go the salt mine where the phones will ring off the hook (Monday is the busiest day in a call center).

I got out of bed at 5:30 which is an improvement over my usual 6 or 6:30. I walked Darcy in the muggy dark with sprinklers all around and a resident stray cat slinking around. Amazingly Darcy did not bark at the cat. Of course I was moving her away from the cat and going 'leave it' all the while. Now if I can get her to look at a cat and not want to lunge at it or play with it that will be an accomplishment. At class on Saturday the trainer told me that when a dog approaches another dog (or cat or human) that they have one of two thoughts: 1) I want to meet you, and or 2) I want to eat you. The second seems to be Darcy's default sometimes and learning when she's thinking that is the next step in my training with her.

Yesterday at work I brought my big red zip binder and Alphasmart to work though I didn't work on any writing. I have some good notes in the binder but the tentative schedule I made for the writing went out the window last night. And now I realize why: I would love to work on my novel more but I think during the work week I'll work on the non-fiction projects with my days off reserved for said novel. It seems like my brain is okay with shorter times for non-fiction but not fiction.

I bought a new book for my Kindle this morning: The Long Way Home by Jessica Scott. It's the sequel to one my first Kindle purchases To Iraq and Back by Jessica Scott . To Iraq and Back is a collection of writing from the blog she kept while she was deployed to Iraq for a year. Ms. Scott is an Army officer, wife, and mother, and I read the blog when she was over there but it's great to read it all in one sitting. I've been looking forward to the sequel as coming home is nowhere near as easy as most people think. Also, her fiction books are most excellent also (she's an auto-buy for me now).

Well, back to the grind.

Fear This, and Write Anyway

This is the background on my computer right now.

 

I read this article on The Huffington Post Saturday and it's got me thinking about the last couple of days and how I've begun to realize I need to step out of my shell and do more with my life. Race Day (as I'm now calling Friday's day at the track) proved to me that I have a sense of adventure without fear.

So my realization is that if I approach doing something out of my comfort zone as an adventure I'll embrace it and do it to the max. Next question I have then is, can I apply this sense of adventure to my writing?

And my answer is a resounding yes. Now I've been writing since I was in my early teens and have had my ups and downs to say the least. I've been dutiful, fanciful, and lazy as all get out. I've had days where the words flew from my fingers and days where each one was pulled out of the muck. But never did I have any real fear until the last couple of years. Because it seems that when I got knocked off the tracks of my life (when my Dad had a stroke in 2009) I got rocked to my core. My writing, like a lot of other things in my life, got pushed to the wayside. And each time I went for it and tried to get back in the grove I haven't been able to.

This blog is the first time I've felt that grove become a possibility in my life. But the fear that I have with the writing is more of that it will take away from my life. Which is complete and utter bullshit as I have plenty of time and can make it happen like I did before. What I was thinking and feeling yesterday was that I should be doing something else. Tension and anxiety gripped me as I sat in front of the computer wanting to write but being paralyzed with anxiety and the awful feeling of writing not being a worthy activity.

Identifying fear is the first step in combating it. The fear I have is that if I sit down and write I'm taking away from someone else or something else I need to do. But the thing is I know I have a right to my time and time to write if I want to. And I want to because when I think about that writing grove I get a terrible craving for it. Not like a junkie craving but like a craving for a cup of coffee in the morning- a need almost.

So instead of writing being a burning need I'll approach it as an adventure. It'll be like sitting down at the computer and seeing which way the wind takes me. It'll be knowing that I can climb into the stock car of a book and grip the roll-cage bar as the writing-car takes off at a 110-miles an hour.

Bucket List Update

www.bucketlist.org

Found this site earlier today and here's the list I'm building: http://bucketlist.org/list/MicheleKS/

I've seen (or most of it anyway) the movie 'The Bucket List' with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. A Bucket List a fun thing do as it gives you something to think about other than the routine and drudgery of daily life.

A couple of people asked me about the track day yesterday and if it was an item on my Bucket List. I didn't have a Bucket List yesterday but if I had this item would have been crossed off. I've added riding/driving in an Indy car and a riding/driving in a Forumla One car, too.

Another question I was asked was if I was scared. Not at all. Speed does not scare me nor does driving (except when some idiot tries to kill me on the road but that pisses me off more than anything). For me it's about trusting the car and the driver. When I'm driving I know what I'm capable of and with the professional I was with yesterday I got to see him drive first before I got in with him. As Jeremy Clarkson said in the 60 Minutes segment on Top Gear: "Speed's great. Speed works."

What I've seen with Bucket Lists so far is a combination places and things people want to see, do things that are out of the ordinary range of experiences, and for me some would be about facing fears. I'd like to set foot on a boat and be able to go below deck and I'd like to sail on a sailboat within site of land on a clear and sunny day (no, you will not get me on an ocean liner in the middle of the ocean unless the zombie apocalypse happened and it was the only way to escape the zombie horde).

Can a bucket list be seen as a list of goals? I think so in that it's something to put your mind to. I like lists and goals and plans. Not that I'm that great at keeping to them but I try.

Race Day - Cross Item Off Bucket List

I haven't really set up a bucket list yet but if I had one this item would be crossed off now.

Today I got to ride along in a stock car at over a 100 hundred miles an hour (my driver said we about a 110). My roommate and her kids got me a Groupon for a 3-lap Ride-Along with the Rusty Wallace Racing Experience for Christmas. It was the San Antonio Speedway which is just south of San Antonio and it's a short track that isn't all fancy like most NASCAR tracks. But dang it was incredible. The Rusty Wallace Racing Experience is going to be at the Texas Motor Speedway in Dallas in November and I'm going to start saving up for that and next time I'm doing the driving in addition to the ride-along. You don't even to need to know how to drive a stick shift: the driver-instructor said I just needed to be able to put the clutch down, shift into third gear, then hit the gas and keep the pedal down on the track. I can do that. :)

First, I drove out to the track on what was a gorgeous day here in San Antonio. I got signed in then walked to the pit lane and got suited up in a real-live racing fire suit then watched some cars race before I got my ride.

 These were the cars used by the people who got the Driving experience. Late model Chevrolet Impalas

 

 

Then I got to get in my ride: car number 07. And I don't know why I only took a photo of the back end but here it is:

 

I just want to say getting into this car is interesting: there are no doors so you climb in through the window and I'm five-four so I thought I'd be okay. I got in slowly (you put your left leg in and extend it all the way to the end of the floorboard then put your right leg in then slide your body through the window opening). There's no cushion on the seat or anything else- the cars are stripped to the bare minimum for weight. The wonderful pit crew guy strapped me in after helping me with the helmet- which is pretty heavy though not too uncomfortable. Then it was a thumbs-up and the driver put the clutch down and shifted into the third. We cruised up to the end of the pit (where the car backfired- which is perfectly normal). Then he hit the gas and we were off.



First turn

 

 

And oh my God! We went right into the first turn and I felt every bit of it. To tell you the truth, I felt the power of the engine in every muscle and nerve in my body. In fact, I think there is still a slight hum in my body from that engine (after I finished my laps I asked the driver-instructor how long that 'hum' would last and he said for about a day- I can live with that:).

Last turn

 

When my driver hit the gas my heart was slammed into gear and I didnt' want the pounding to stop. The car is designed to go fast and handle like a dream. You feel the pull in the corners and feel it open up on the straightaways. We had one lap where we were the only car on the track then we picked up another car and raced him. It is not easy to pass a car on a track and in this case my driver couldn't go right up to the wall for safety reasons. Still, I almost wanted to say 'get the hell out of the way' or do what they do in NASCAR (which is give him a little bump- the car I was riding in looked like it had seem some of this 'action' in the past).

Then it was back to the pit and all over. I got out (which is slide your upper body through the window opening then pull your right leg out then your left leg then slide a little to the ground). And my first thought when getting out of the car was 'can I do that again?' I can see race-car drivers never want to retire and why the guys on Top Gear are still doing their show after ten years on the air. Now I want to ride in stock cars and an Indy car (Mario Andretti has a two-seat Indy car he takes people around in- saw it on Richard Hammond's Crash Course show last season). In addition as I was driving home I was thinking that I want my next car to have some horsepower and maybe some day be able to get behind the wheel of some of the supercars I love so passionately (Ferrari, Aston Martin, Lamborghini, Porsche).

And I don't look near as good as when Danica Patrick does at this :)

 







Today Was a Fat Tire Day

Fat Tire Beer, it's a brand out of Colorado. I read about it in the book 'Skin Deep' by Pamela Clare, specifically in the novella after 'Skin Deep' called 'Marc and Julian Make a Beer Run' (which you can buy in e-book form here)



 

 

First, I started off my day without being able to log on to my computer. There goes seven minutes of my day re-booting the darn machine. Then three voicemail messages I need to answer and accounts to update. Then the calls started.

 

I had three grumpy people gnaw on me because they didn't like what I was telling them. Basically, I sat and listened but being told that I'm basically a greedy idiot in so many words or less is not a way to endear yourself to me. Now of course they didn't know me from a whole in the wall and somebody must have peed in their cornflakes this morning but why call and take it out on some poor customer service rep? It's the nature of the business though so you just learn to take these days as they roll oi. In addition, I forgot to take an allergy pill before I work so I was miserable with a hugely-stuffy head, sore throat, dry cough, and sniffles and sneezes. Needless to say I came out of work with the intention of getting a beer.

 

Because today was an I-need-a-beer-but-can't-afford-a-six-pack day. I was in the HEB store on DeZavala here in San Antonio because my regular HEB is being remodeled and you can't find anything in it (they have nice employees wearing t-shirts with 'Help You?' on them). In this store and at the other one I went to Saturday they have beer by the bottle for sale. I bought this Fat Tire because I'd read about it in a book and thought 'what the heck'.

 

Well, what the heck have I been missing? This is a full-bodied yeasty-smooth ale (it's labeled Amber Ale on the bottle). I like really rich beers so this is perfect for me. And it's a nice end to what was an overall crappy day at work.

How It All Started - I Needed a Job

I got my first call center job simply because I needed a job. I really had no idea what I was getting into or that fourteen years later I'd still be working the phones.

It started in 1999 after a job working in a card store for a wacko-boss who was totally horrible to her kids in front of everyone. There was this place in the town where I lived called Brylane. Again, I had no idea what they did but they were hiring so I went and filled out an application, took a typing test, got interviewed then hired. The job would be for me to take orders over the phone. Simple, right?

For the most part, yes. Except for the people who'd go ballistic when orders didn't arrive, or weren't like what the catalog had pictured, or when stuff went on backorder (which was all the freaking time). The only real benefit to this job was getting 30% off stuff with no additional shipping.

The place was in what was a K-Mart store and they only gutted the building and put in rows of desks, some training rooms and offices. The heating and air-conditioning was never fixed. In fact, there was no real heat in the building at all as the temperature always seemed to be set to meat-locker. I mean, it was so cold that people were wrapped up in blankets and I was glad I got to wear sweats when I worked Saturday mornings. More than once I wanted to ask where they were hanging the meat. The thing was, we were the meat. We were nothing but bodies in desks expected to move merchandise that wasn't in stock.

It was my first taste of how people could be on the phone because some were cool- especially the cross-dressing guys because they had excellent taste, knew their sizes, and to coordinate. And how did I know they were cross-dressers? Size 14 shoes and way too much knowledge for a guy about womens' clothing. To tell you the truth, I could have talked to these guys all day and been very happy. It was the cheapskates that really ticked me off. Oh, and the pervert who used to call and harass the crap out of us (though I put a stop to that when I heard kids in the background as he was being extremely ugly to me- I marched up to the control desk and filled out a form and made sure it got to the powers-that-be. I was told I had steam coming out of my ears that day.) Then there was a bonkers lady by the name of Joyce Scaggs- if I ever write a screaming crazy lady character I'm going to name her after this nutso. She used to call and cuss out whoever was lucky enough to get her. I heard the company eventually tracked her down and turned her in to law enforcement.

The most fun I ever remember having was tossing around these rubber stress balls across the rows on Saturday morning when none of the managers were around. Why anyone would call on a Saturday morning has always been beyond me but hey, I got paid to toss rubber balls around and/or sit on my ass.

But it all went downhill when the company began to squeeze out the full-timers in hopes of getting an all part-time workforce. They should have said no more full time and offered us the option of part-time or the door. Now I was also watching my mother die of cancer and trying to help take care of my grandmother so towards the end I just stopped caring and my performance suffered and yes, I was shown the door.

I got close to two years of call center experience which in turn got me my next call center gig. I also still have a pair of boots and a couple of dresses I bought way back then (though the dresses aren't going to fit much longer). Also, I heard the place closed down a few years ago when call volume slacked off due to people shopping on the Internet (my preferred method of shopping when I don't want to go out).

So what were my lessons from this job: don't take it personally, use a wrist pad for your keyboard to save your wrists, always keep something to drink on your desk, have a pencil to take written notes with (because pens will always run out of ink when you need them the most), and make sure your ass doesn't expand too much (meaning, get up and move even if it's just to the bathroom and back).

How It All Began, or I Was Just Thinking About Getting a Dog

It all started with a phone call on a cold and rainy day in January 2012:

My friend and now-roommate: You remember how you said you were thinking about getting a dog?

Me: Uh, yeah.

Roommate: Do you want a dog?

Me: Uh, what?

It turns out my roommate had found two dogs abandoned on the side of the road out in the middle of nowhere (my roommate was doing home-health at the time and had a patient out that way). My roommate had managed to get the dogs in her van and was on her way back into town with them. After a few more 'uh's' from me I told her to bring the dogs by and we'd brainstorm as to what to do with them.

Well, when she called me to tell me she was in front of my apartment I went outside to see the dogs. And as soon as I saw them I told her she could have warned me. They were beyond cute.

This is the first picture I took:

Darcy is the one on the left. We think the two dogs were siblings as they were about the same size. After much discussion I decided to take Darcy in as her brother was more high-energy than she was. We found a nice family to take him in a couple of days later and Darcy and I were off to the races. I had two weeks solid with her as I was in between jobs and I just want to say I had no idea what to do with her. I'd grown up with cats and had never owned a dog in my life.

And I just want to say I've probably made every mistake in the book with her at one time or another but I'm learning. Right now we're in private training and it's going very well. Each week I get a one-on-one with a trainer so I can tell her what's going on and what I'm doing and in turn get direction. It's been a huge help for me as Darcy has developed some aggression issues mainly relating to establishing territory and being over-protective of me.

She's a collie-Australian Sheppard mix though I'm not entirely certain of that as she is a rescue. Those two breeds are high-energy yet highly-intelligent. Darcy has huge potential and she gets better the more I do the right things with her. She's very sweet and loving and I just want her to be able to focus her energy and intelligence on good behavior.

Darcy's taught me not to give up on her (the day I had to put a muzzle on her was one of the worst of my life, but that's another story for another time) and not to give up on myself. I've never thought of myself as an Alpha personality but with Darcy I'm slowly learning how to be.

Now, my original intent back in January of 2012 was to go to the shelter and liberate some older small dog that would be good for apartment living. Instead I got a 55-pound high-energy dog who would probably do better with a house in the country or with an owner who can take her jogging. Instead, she's got an apartment in the city and an owner who's never going to take up jogging. But she loves me and I love her and together we're making it work.

Sleepy Darcy - not something she does too often

 

Tales of a So-So Life

I'm back on Blogger because WordPress and I do not get along. I've seen some really great blogs lately on Blogger and though I've had my innings with Blogger they've been nothing like WordPress. Plus the concept of Phoenix Lightning is so not me.

I'm not a black-background cool type. I'm a white-background, slightly-klutzy aspiring to be somewhat cool. The goal here is to just get words down and be myself. Or better put, not try to be Goth but not Sweet Valley High either.

About me:

Call center jockey means I work in a humongous call center taking calls for eight hours a day. Right now I handle insurance though in the past I've done directory assistance, banking, talking to old people (short-term gig servicing AARP membership) and catalog sales. The writing is something I've been out of for so long it's not even funny though I've been writing since I could put pen to paper or hands to keyboard. I've got writing ideas galore there and have actually finished things though I've only been published once (my local newspaper published an essay of mine- see the Published Writing Page Here). I like my job most of the time and I know I can go far there if I put my mind to it. But I'm torn because I love to write and would love to be a full-time writer. Yet the chances of full-time writing success are about a million to one. That's not pessimism but reality. I've got bills to pay and debt to get out of not to mention a bucket-load of work to do just to get back on track writing-wise.

This is the document of my journey to get back on track. Writing is like anything else you do in life: if you want to gain any proficiency you've got to put in the work. Fourteen years as a call-center jockey has given me the ability to talk and type at the same time, navigate multiple windows on two computer monitors, and not to mention given me an ability to roll with the good and bad that constitutes a typical day at my job. Putting my butt in the chair and hands on the keyboard is the writing equivalent of gaining proficiency.

The title of the blog is that this is a so-so life: not glamorous or super-interesting. I get up, go to work, walk my dog, eat, sleep, read, and try to write. And as I write that last bit with try I do hear the quote from The Empire Strikes Back from the brilliance of Yoda: There is no try, only do.

So let's do this.