Walking Along My Path

The Kerry Way walking path between Sneem and Kenmare in Ireland

picture from: http://myscienceacademy.org/2013/04/14/the-33-most-beautiful-abandoned-places-in-the-world/

 

 

 

It's early Saturday morning (for most people anyway- I've been up since 5:30 am) and am working on my second cup of coffee. I haven't looked at my post yesterday but know that I had a case of Suzy Homemaker fever yesterday (used to be baby fever but I'm pretty much over that). I baked a cake last night so Suzy's resting comfortably for the moment.

 

But this morning I was thinking about the path of my life and the fact that I do not need to jump off it completely and careen down the hill like a mad woman. One, I can't afford to do that and two, I have the right ideas about where I want to go and what I want to do. So here is my path and the lanes I'm following as I walk along.

 

First: my day job. I've expressed ambition to get back to my former position of senior representative but I also remember the huge workload and stress of said position. Part of me would like to have the teeny-tiny bit of authority the position brought me along with the mentoring and teaching part, but another part of me doesn't want the added stress load either. In addition, if I want to advance at said job I'll need to go back to school and get my degree. And that would eat into my free time which I want to devote to my writing. Yet the writing is certainly no sure thing (though I'll also say no job is either). But I'm not under any deadline there so I'm not going to worry about the next step there until the time comes.

 

Second: the writing. I've been slacking off yet again but I've got a couple of things I want to do today. I've gotten two e-books about character and plotting as I know both have been a major problem with the book I want to work on. I've never been one to plot or make notes as I've had this fear that they'll drive my book into the grave. The thing is, this book's gone through multiple drafts that have only been minor improvements over the previous ones. Major work is needed and I need help. Hopefully I'll have a picture of pretty-colored notecards on my bulletin board soon.

 

Third: my social life. Or lack there of, to be more precise. I posted a profile on a dating site (Plenty of Fish) and have gotten a couple of nibbles but not enough to make me reply. Maybe I'm being too dang picky but the lack of any real reply (two have been single questions and the other feels like a canned response) and lack of grammar and punctuation haven't compelled me to respond. Now my profile isn't the most eloquent but it is honest and I did check my spelling and used all the grammar I know. Maybe I ought to add to my profile: please use grammar and punctuation when replying to me. Or better put: bad grammar and lack of punctuation is a turn-off for me.

 

So today's lovely Saturday agenda:

 

- Laundry

- Walk my puppy then take her to puppy school (that's what I call training classes/sessions for her) tonight

- Do my plot/character thing and set up on my bulletin board



Non-Traditional Suzy Homemaker

Every now and then my inner Suzy Homemaker wants to come out and play. She likes to clean (especially vacuum), sort and straighten up, and most of all, she likes to putter around in the kitchen and bake. The last part is extremely popular with those I live with as it usually results in some sweet dish that doesn't last a day.

Personally, I think I would have made a good housewife (or stay-at-home mom if I had kids) even in today's world. I like keeping a house in order and cooking and baking. I know that's like a slap in the face to feminism but if you enjoy those things while at the same time doing your own thing then why the heck not? An author I follow wrote a book in which the heroine at the end of the story quit her job as a high-powered investigative journalist to stay at home and bake pies (the author is Pamela Clare and the book was 'Breaking Point'- great book by the way and an awesome part of her I-Team series). The thing was the heroine was a serious burnout and had more than earned the down-time to get on with her new life. Feminism to my way of thinking is about choices and if a woman chooses to stay-at-home and not have some high-powered career then more power to her. This mommy-wars (mommy bloggers like to wage war over shit like this over the internet) are complete and utter bullshit.

My mother was a stay-at-home back in the 1970's but she went back to work when I was three years old so I don't really remember too much of that time when she didn't work. One time I asked her why she hadn't gone to college and pursued a career path and she told me she didn't want time away from her family. She made a choice to work that was mostly financial though she also said she was starting to grow bored with the stay-at-home bit. And yes I found out she did take some shit for not going on the career path. But my mother had very clear priorities in life and I had enormous respect for her because of how she stood firm in her choices. I think she would have enjoyed staying at home more if she had been able to pursue activities/hobbies she loved like photography and gardening but she didn't have a lot of self-confidence so she never got real serious about photography for example even though she had the eye and the talent for it (she took a course at a local community college once and her pictures were awesome- especially the ones she took in black-and-white). I inherited her shyness and self-confidence issues though I like to think I can do more with my own life as I can see my issues and know that I can overcome them in small baby steps.

I don't have a need to work outside the home though I do right now to earn a living. For me, to work from home and indulge my Suzy Homemaker side would be a personal choice. And if anyone didn't like my choices then no baked goodies for them.

The thing is, if I had done the stay-at-home-housewife-and-mom thing I would like to think I would have been a bit non-traditional. I would have worn rockstar and geeky t-shirts, listening to rock or jazz in the car with my kids, watched geeky tv and introduced them to classic movies, and taught them to question authority and not to blindly follow anyone or anything.

But now I think it'll just be me and the pets in a little cottage or condo of our own someday.

My so-not-traditional recipe book: I was looking for a three-ring binder to put my recipe print-outs in and this was all I could find. Kind of fitting though. :)

 

Exuberence in a Sometimes Crappy World

Earlier this evening I was listening to music on the radio (www.krtu.org- San Antonio's only Jazz station) and they were playing great swing music in the 8 o'clock hour and in the 9 o'clock hour some rare recordings of Duke Ellington at the Newport Jazz Festival in 1959.

First, I love jazz and swing music. Swing was my grandparents' music and when I was a kid I thought of it as happy music. One time my father and I were in the car listening to swing music on the radio and my father said he was always amazed that such happy exuberant music came out of the era that it did (the Depression in the 1930's followed by World War Two in the 1940's). I always thought it was a response to what was happening at the time, a celebration of life and love despite the pain and war and suffering going in the world. And this is needed now more than ever (it's been just a day since the Boston Marathon bombing as I write this).

At first in the face of tragedy and suffering I want to cry and mourn and rail at the unfair ugliness in the world. Then I think of all the 'helpers' as Mr. Rogers called them (a quote of his circulated on Facebook yesterday: "When I was a young child and saw bad things on the news my mother always told me to look for the helpers. There are always people helping."). Then I think of all the kind and generous people in Boston who donated blood, took in the runners who had no place to go, the clergy who comforted the wounded and their families, the medical professionals working around the clock to take care of the wounded, and the people who set up message boards online for people to check on family members in Boston. There is so much more good in the world than bad and I think that's an important thing to remember.

I was so glad I found the music tonight because it put a smile on my face and reminded me people will laugh and love and dance and sing in the face of pain and suffering. We need to embrace the exuberance of jazz and swing music and remember to swing on.

I know I will.

Shameless plug here: I became a member of KRTU as they are not funded by advertising or corporate sponsorship- they are one of only 50 FCC-licensed jazz stations in the United States and one of two in Texas. They stream over the Internet and are on FM 91.7 here in San Antonio. I've been listening to the station for over twenty years (started listening back in high school and I used to hate when they had to power down after 10 pm because I played hell with the reception after that unless it was a calm clear night- glad they don't have to do that anymore). Membership gets you into their events free and you can get some nice gifts, too. Here's a pic of the tote bag I got for joining:

Changing Hairstyles, and More

Yes, I'm slowly going to change my hairstyle. Now that I don't have so much face (yes, I've lost weight there, too) I realize that I need a new hairstyle. I've kept it very short for so long because I just wanted nothing to do with my hair (had long and wavy years ago but it was a major pain in the butt to take care of). But I also realize that I did not want to draw attention to myself either so I kept it very short and no-maintanence. At first it was a popular hairstyle but now it's giving people an impression I don't quite want them to have.

A confession here: I've never been entirely comfortable with attention on me. It's a major thing for me to stand in front of someone and not babble and look at the ground like a moron. Such is the mindset of a shy person but for me someone noticing the way I look is something I'm going to have to get used to. But the question I had to ask myself over the weekend was this: do I want to attract attention to myself physically?

The answer is yes, but in my own slow-going way. So the first step is letting my hair grow out (thinking about letting it go all one length then getting it curled but I still haven't made the final decision there). Second, I've begun to consider maybe wearing some makeup. I've avoided makeup for years because of my seriously-oily skin that made makeup very uncomfortable. I still have oily skin though nowhere near the level it was years ago. I'm thinking about some nice lipstick or gloss, mascara, eyebrow pencil, and maybe a light foundation and blush if I can find products that don't flake out in two hours (I'm hoping makeup has improved in the last ten years). And third is slowly getting rid of all my baggy clothes. As a heavy-set woman I've worn the requisite not-form-fitting shirts and pants because I had too much of me. Now that I don't have so much of me I'm starting to wear stuff that's not so baggy.

The next question I have is this: will changing my appearence change me? It may get me more attention that I will have to deal with. That attention in turn is going to force me out of my shell more. I am intent on getting out of my shell but trust me, it isn't easy. Now I don't think I'm trying to be a pig with lipstick but when I reach the point where I'm out of the plus-size section of the store for good I honestly don't know what I'll do with myself.

Good thing that's a ways off. :)

Working For the Weekend

And it's a payday weekend to boot though I'd say most of mine is out the door already. But one thing I will be getting is a new vacum cleaner- mine's given up the ghost and there is enough pet hair in this place to create several new pets with.

It's not that I don't like my job, because I do most of the time (except on a Monday when I start and end my day with the billing call from hell). It's just that I'm not in love with it right now. But a good thing is there are now brief, blessed moments of silence between calls. Blessed silence is a gift to a call center jockey as it gives you a minute to breathe and rest your voice. It's good that are more bodies to answer the phones and as it seems people will not stop calling (if they did I'd be out of a job). I'm just glad for the brief silence on my part and also that wait times are dropping.

Speaking of the weekend, now that the weather is turning nicer Friday's are now Darcy's day at the park (Saturdays are a mob scene and I'm not comfortable with her in a crowd yet). Maybe guy from last week will be there this Friday though if he is I will just introduce myself. That's a goal of mine- if I start chatting someone up is to introduce myself and at least get their name.

And now for a doggie LOL pic of the day:

Dog on the left is my roommate's dog and no, my Darcy did not photobomb here. She just looks like that pretty much all of the time.

Peeking Out of My Shell

Okay, yesterday I took my dog to the dog park so she run around off-leash. There was a guy there with this dog. At first he was talking on his cell phone so I just played with my Darcy. Then he got off his phone and his dog and mine started playing together. And we talked about our dogs... and that was it. When I suddenly realized that maybe I could talk to him about more than just our dogs I clammed up. Now I didn't want to hit on him or get his number or anything like that. But at least I could have introduced myself and found out something about him.

I confess I haven't really dated or done much socializing, especially with the opposite sex. I can name a hundred reasons and say that 99% are complete bullshit. In reality I'm a tongue-tied, severely-shy social klutz who can't seem to get the hang of most social, human-interactive situations.

The first problem for me is severe shyness. It's a problem I was born with and will likely take to my grave. It's my trouble with being nervous around people, which manifests itself in an inability to make eye contact and stumble over words and what to say and how to say it. For me shyness is a fear of someone not liking me and getting mad at me or teasing me or calling me a complete putz who shouldn't come outside and play at all. And yes I did have some not-so-good childhood experiences that were like this but not in the last few years.

Second problem I have is that in my mind I'm thinking at a hundred miles an hour about what I'm saying or going to say or what I should say and how I should say it and what do I do if someone says this or that... Yeah, you get the picture: I over-analyze. And of course over-analyzing leads to verbal paralysis for me and yesterday happens again and again. I think most people do not do anywhere near the amount of analysis that I do in my head but if I can just get my brain to calm down then maybe I won't suffer the verbal paralysis.

So all the above adds up to me being unable to engage in casual friendly conversation with the opposite sex commonly called flirting. I would love to be able to just relax and engage in a simple conversation with just the goal being to have a simple conversation and not put any pressure on myself. This is really bad with men because I'm so tongue-tied when any guy shows even the slightest interest in me. I guess I'm afraid they'll think I'm a klutz and just not worth the effort. Also, I'm afraid of attracting the wrong kind of guy (the needy or selfish asshole). I honestly don't think I'd settle for an asshole-guy but I know that was a fear I had years ago when the only guys who showed any interest in me had issues with their issues.

Like I've said before Darcy has drawn me out of my shell but right now I think it's just my head poking out a little.

The New Normal, Or It's Still the Economy, Stupid

In 1992 Bill Clinton's campaign manager James Carville famously exclaimed "It's about the economy, stupid!" And I believe that to be more relevant than ever. Each day there seems to be news that while something may be looking up, five other things are still looking downward in terms of economy and jobs.

Some time back I read an article about a 'new normal' for the economy and job market. The gist of the article was that things won't go back to the way they were. Which is understandable as things change. Take an article I read this morning about jobs being made obsolete by technology- technology is not the problem itself but the companies who integrate the technology without thinking about the people they're tossing out on their ears. It used to be there were jobs that paid well that only required a high-school diploma. This lifted many families into the middle-class and enabled them to send children to college who then in turn moved into the upper middle-class. But now those high-school diploma jobs are rapidly drying up and even a college degree sometimes isn't as valuable as it once was. Now I still feel a college degree has value and sometimes it can get you ahead in the job line but the cost of education is something that has to be addressed, too.

Living on the cheap used to be what you did when you starting out or getting back into the game after getting knocked down. Now it's normal for so many people even for those who have a steady job. Wages have not kept up with inflation and the vicious cycle that the powers-that-be can't seem to realize is that without money to spend there is no real way to stimulate economic growth. Companies come back and say they can't hire and increase wages without cutting into profits. Bullshit- these greedy bastards cut wages and people starting in 2008 and then put the fear of joblessness into the remaining souls they had on the payroll and squeezed more productivity for less money. But I will say that's starting to come back on some companies (Wal-Mart comes to mind- I read an article about how their sales are starting to hurt because they won't hire enough people to stock and service their stores).

But I wonder how people would change if they did have more money- would they more careful? Would they focus on managing debt and saving more money? Or would they revert to the free-wheeling spend-for-all ways pre-2008? Personally, as long and as hard as this recession has been I don't think people would revert to pre-2008 ways if wages did take an upturn. I would hope that people would listen to common sense and not give in to consumer madness. Now some nitwit-pundits will say if people are too cautious then it will perpetuate the cycle of a suck-ass economy. Why would that happen if people will spend money but not at insane levels? I don't see a need for insane corporate profits and get-rich-quick bullshit like it seemed to be pre-2008. For me, as I earn more I'm sticking to my goal of getting out of debt and building up a solid savings and investment plan. And I won't live beyond my means for any damn corporate entity or some dumb-ass pundit who doesn't know jack-shit about the real world.

The new normal right now of living on the cheap sucks. People should be able to have money to spend on what they want to instead of having to say 'no' to themselves and worst of all, their kids. And I'm not talking about gold-plated Mercedes spending desires here- I'm talking about being able to go the movies or eat out once a week type of spending here. I'm solidly middle-class and even if I got rich I don't think my mindset would change. Going without does bring things into perspective both good and bad and the good far outweighs the bad in the sense that you see what really matters: the people around you and how you live your life. If you can take care of yourself then you can help out those with even less.

Poverty sucks and it's not a choice. But living hand-to-mouth and on the cheap because you have no choice also sucks. So when it comes to the economy, stupid it's not just a catch phrase: it's a way of life that shouldn't be.

Why I Love My Dog- and Why I'm Willing To Fight For Her

I honestly didn't know how much my life would change when I got my dog Darcy because it's still changing every day.

It's said that dogs love unconditionally. They do, especially my Darcy. Even when I'm mad and frustrated with her she still loves me. I'm trying to learn every day how to keep my cool and not get frustrated when she barks at every noise outside and still jumps on me from time to time. I know that I need to be her teacher and when I do teach she soaks it up like a sponge (tonight we were doing a training bit where I have her jump on and off the bed and when she's on the bed I had her go into a 'down', except that after about the third jump she just went into the 'down' without my telling her. I called her a little stinker and gave her an extra treat and hug).

And yes, she's always happy to see me when I get home and also if I just need a cuddle or a hug she's always there. And when I wake up in the middle of the night after having a bad dream, which does happen at least once a week or so, she'll come up on the bed and cuddle with me. That has meant a lot for me because it's a terrible feeling to wake up in the dead of the night all alone (which I did for too many years). And it is one of the main reasons I won't give up on Darcy and continue to work through her behavior issues.

She's not a 'bad' dog and I'm not that 'bad' of a human. Yes, I've made a truck-load of mistakes with her but many other dog owners are far from perfect. Sadly, a lot of them give up on their dogs and all I'm asking for is an opportunity to learn. Because another reason I love Darcy is that she's forced me out of my shell and continues to do every day. Because I've stood by my dog I'm learning to become more assertive and to fight for what I believe in. In January I could have just given up Darcy and crawled back into my shell. Instead with the help of my incredibly wonderful roommate I held onto my Darcy. Because if I had gotten rid of Darcy I would have been haunted and guilt-ridden for the rest of my life. It's still something I fear greatly but I cling to my determination to stay the course and be the human-mom I need to be for her.

My Need For Rituals

 

I was thinking about writing about my lack of blogging and whatnot but I didn't want to see myself whine here so instead I'm doing this.

I believe I've said this before but I do like my daily rituals. I like my walks with Darcy in the dark, my first cup of coffee, scrolling through Facebook, and reading my comics before going to work and or doing anything else. If I didn't start my day with this daily ritual I'd really feel discombobulated. I still haven't gotten into the daily writing routine but one thing at a time.

Some examples in my daily life:

- I like my coffee in one coffee-cup: currently it’s my 30^th anniversary Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back mug. Any other mug just won’t do and I hate it when I can’t find it (which is why I usually keep it in my room unless it’s time to wash it or pour coffee into it). In addition to my Empire Strikes Back mug I also like this certain mug for my milk in the morning. It’s this mug with a chicken and a chick on it that my grandmother probably gave me twenty years ago. It keeps the milk cold and I guess it is a good memory association for me, hence the reason I like the mug and don’t want to use anything else in the morning.

- My morning coffee: I can NOT go without. I like to say coffee is my real addiction if you will and I never want to start the day without it. I have a two-cup-a-day habit and just feel like I can’t function without it. And I now have a real coffee maker and can use my bean grinder for fresh-ground. Now I’m in coffee Nirvana every morning. J

- My morning routine: it’s modified somewhat over the years but now it’s get up before dawn, walk Darcy around the apartment complex, have my coffee and breakfast, then read Facebook/mysa.com/comics before I go to work. I’d like to add writing into that routine like I used to do ages ago. But I like a quiet start to a morning and can’t fathom how anyone can do otherwise. It’s like I bristle at the thought of a loud and dashy morning when I like to take my time and ease into the day.

And as I think about this I also think about how it relates to my quasi-religious beliefs. I was baptized Catholic but don’t identify as one now (that’s another blog entry for another time). My roommate is a Buddhist and I’ve been to her temple services and as I sat around talking with her fellow Buddhists I realized that a lot of my personal philosophy and beliefs are very Buddhist in nature so I don’t think I would have any trouble becoming a practicing Buddhist. Yet I’m also drawn to Judaism. I’ve had a life-long fascination with Judaism and have considered learning more about a possible conversion. And I think one of the reasons I’m drawn to Judaism is the ritual and also that many of the scholars and teachers of the faith seem to challenge it so there isn’t a lot of a dogma-feel to it (which is one of the main reasons I don’t feel drawn back to Catholicism).

Right now I want to get writing back into my daily ritual. I used to write for close to two hours every morning and two or more at night then more on the weekends. Then my life went to hell in a handbasket and I’ve been playing trying-to-catch-up since. I just can’t seem to get up earlier in the morning though I know I can if I well and truly want to. This week I’m planning to get up earlier, walk Darcy, do the other stuff then edit-revise these blog entries before posting then work on my novel in the evening. I won’t set hard and fast goals though I will log the word counts into my spreadsheet.